Today was a very rough day for me.
I woke up at 6:30… not quite sure why. I decided to wait to go for a walk until tonight, so I sat in bed for a little while playing a game on my phone.
I got out of bed around 7:30 and went to the dining room table (a.k.a. my office/classroom) to get started on the yearbook spreads that were made ready for me.
I texted out the quotes I needed to finalize the spreads. There was radio silence for hours. Clearly, my students and I are on very different sleep schedules.
My “office hours” were relatively uneventful. I had a Zoom department meeting, during which I received an email that my Intro to Journalism classes had much smaller enrollment for next year than I’ve had in previous years. This makes me so angry, because I made it clear during several meetings and in countless emails about my concerns for naming and coding journalism courses. Now, it appears that I’m being screwed, which is not ok.
I continued to work on yearbook, and found that I was growing very overwhelmed. I felt anxious, and went to lie down. My husband asked if I was, and I told him I wasn’t.
I’ve been pretty even-keel for the time we’ve been home. I’ve gotten my own work done while helping the kids, cleaning, doing laundry, exercising, etc. My husband has been home the whole time, too, and has done his part. It just feels like I’m a prisoner in my own home. I know why we stay home and that it’s silly for me to complain; at the same time, I can’t help but long for a day when I can come and go as I please, sit and eat in a restaurant, hug my parents, and “go back to normal.”
It just all seemed to hit me at the same time. It’s rushing to finish the yearbook, be both a 5th grade and 8th grade teacher, continuing with my regular professional and adult responsibilities. It’s just too much.
Tonight also began Passover. While it’s not my favorite holiday (it’s actually my least favorite holiday), it means family, tradition and togetherness. We can’t have a seder this year. I can’t sit with my parents and brother at the same table as my husband and children. I have absolutely no motivation to cook for the holiday, clean or kosher my house. I feel empty and sad that I can’t celebrate the holiday the right way this year.
I cried a few times today. I just had a down day. I’m hoping that tomorrow is better.
We all have to adapt to the temporary new normal. I know that this will be over soon. I just don’t know when.