Today started out as a difficult day. I woke up after having had a very poor night’s sleep.
I took a shower and started getting ready for work. A group of the 2018 MSD faculty/staff decided to wear our #MSDStrong shirts today.
I woke up my husband and we started talking. As we talked, I began to cry. I cried for about 20 minutes. There are just so many feelings, so much anxiety and uncertainty about what the week will be like, and how I’ll feel on 2/14. It’s just too overwhelming, and it’s been very hard on me.
The build up to this anniversary is so much harder than it was last year. We received so much love and outpouring of support in 2019. While it’s still there, it’s definitely less than it was. Sometimes I feel like an island unto myself. There’s a private Facebook group for the 2018 MSD faculty/staff. There’s strength in numbers, and it’s definitely comforting to know that I’m not going through this alone.
I tweeted this this morning:
I had my journalism students take notes for the unit we’re beginning. I had spreads to edit and return for yearbook. I kept myself busy, so as not to sit in my feelings about the week.
During the last period of the day the fire alarm went off. I had yearbook. Half of the class was on campus on 2/14, and half of them were in the 1200 building. No one spoke. No one moved. My heart sank.
After work, I went home for a little bit before heading to therapy.
My session was very heavy, but also very necessary. We talked about how my anxiety has increased over the past few weeks, and how I felt starting this week. How I felt when the fire alarm went off. How I wasn’t sure exactly what I want to do on Friday, if anything.
I told her that this year feels so drastically different than last year. I was so busy at the end of 2018/beginning of 2019, that I didn’t have time to be anxious about the first anniversary. Between my son’s Bar Mitzvah on 1/19 and my book release on 1/22, my attention was elsewhere. Although it’s the second anniversary, it’s the first anniversary I’m feeling. I hadn’t said that out loud before tonight.