I went to therapy today for the first time in over a month. I absolutely love my psychologist and I’m so thankful that I found her.
She gets me. She gets trauma. She gets PTSD. She just gets it.
I feel so comfortable talking to her. I always leave my sessions lighter than when I walked in.
Today was a good session. We caught up on all of my July travels. We talked about school starting next week. We talked about how I didn’t feel I had met all of my summer goals, and that I often put too much pressure on myself as I strive for perfection. That’s when I began to cry.
I don’t know what prompted it, and I apologized for crying over something that really seemed like nothing. As hard as I appear on the outside, I’m very sensitive and emotional. I don’t mind showing my vulnerability. I just feel awkward crying when I can’t think of the logical cause.
She asked what my plans were. I told her that I wanted to have my MJE project finished. It isn’t even started. I told her that I wanted to lose weight and get fit and healthy. I haven’t done any of that. She suggested that I look at the big picture and then chunk it into smaller pieces. Can I get up tomorrow, put on my shoes and walk out the front door? Yes. Can I go for a walk around the block? Would that make me feel successful? Yes.
And there it was. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthier. I want to look the way I used to — pre-children. I also can’t be unrealistic. I set these expectations for myself, and when I can’t meet them, I feel like I’ve failed. The reality is, I haven’t failed. I’ve only had a small set-back. I need to continue moving forward and not beat myself up for what seems like a failure. We worked through my thoughts and came up with a plan.
I didn’t give myself time to grieve, mourn or process anything last summer. As soon as school ended, I went to work at a summer program and also worked on “Parkland Speaks.” This summer, I didn’t work on anything but rest and relaxation. I wanted to recharge and be in a better headspace for the upcoming school year. Aside from the travel, I really didn’t do much this summer. That’s the way I wanted it to be. I had lots of lazy days. I can’t and don’t feel bad about that.
While I didn’t meet most of my summer goals, I had a good summer. I did lots of fun things. I traveled to some neat places. I had great experiences. I met really cool people. I was able to spend time with myself.
I took this picture when I got in the car after crying for 45 minutes. Not ugly, hysterical crying, but crying just the same. I felt better, like I left a part of my displeasure, frustration and pressure in her office. I definitely felt lighter. I needed the cry.
It’s ok not to be ok. It’s important to recognize when you’re not ok, and reach out to get help.