I’m writing this entry to give a better understanding of what I’m going through. I have PTSD. I know what that means, and at the same time, I have no idea what it means. I am ok. I am not ok. I don’t know when I’ll be ok. Some days are better than others. Some days I have lots of energy. Some days I have no energy. Some days I feel like it’s all a dream and it never happened. Some days it feels like it was yesterday. Some days it feels like it was years ago.
I go to therapy once a week. I have done EMDR. I get my nails done every two weeks and massages when I have time. I use lavender essential oils, meditate, do yoga and use several calming apps on my phone. I am in a better place than I’ve been since February. Although the feelings I have are normal, they’re abnormal to me. While at a session recently, my therapist took out the DSM-V. She read the descriptions of PTSD to me. She said that if I met one or more of the following criteria, I would be suffering from PTSD. I met them all.
I have dreams about the day, about the victims. I think back to what I heard, what I saw. I see it as if I’m hovering above, watching it all happen.
As we approach the first anniversary, I want to be clear with what I want and need, while I honestly have no idea. I want to be left alone, while I want to be supported and checked-on. I want to be as far away from school as I can be, while I want to be close by to support my community. I want to remember those we lost, while I don’t want to hear his name or see his picture.
I have worked hard to cut things and people out of my life that don’t bring me peace, joy, pleasure. I can’t and won’t be surrounded by people and be in situations that aren’t healthy for my healing. I know that I need to continue with self-care, and continue working on myself.
Just be gentle with me, with all of us. This first anniversary is unchartered territory for all of us. I don’t know how the day will feel. I don’t know how I will feel. I don’t know what will set me off and set me back. I don’t know how the days following will look and feel. I don’t know so many things.